Supreme Grey goes surfing in Newquay!

About me

My name is Jen, I am 31 years old and I live in the multicoloured city of Bristol and I was born here. I am a single mum to my eight year daughter and I work in a genetics laboratory.

These are my stats right, the basic stuff that people should know so we are clear. But I would describe myself currently as a pulsing with love woman, peaceful one minute and a blubbering butterfly the next. All this feels completely exhilarating of course, as if I am being reborn (not that I can remember what it was like being born) but that sounds fitting. I am in the midst of a spiritual awakening, swimming through the fog of confusion with blasts of clarity one minute and then bursts of pain and despair the next. This is all normal apparently when someone is experiencing a twin flame awakening. However, this journey is about me ultimately which is so freeing to say, it is all about me ok!!!! I am a selfish, bossy self obsessed, crazy female – only joking, I’m an angel.
I share this from my heart, I have always been a dreamer and I believe that we are all connected.

The birth of the 'supreme grey' realisation

When I was around 18 years old I started to notice my lustrous brown hair going grey at the roots so naturally, of course, I began to dye my hair. Why would I not? I don’t want to be grey, that would mean I was unattractive, ugly and old which at the time I deemed to go hand in hand with being unattractive. A dried up, old, wrinkly grey haired woman at eighteen years old – wow that just would not do. And from that time until around one month ago I dyed my hair. I could see over the years that the grey roots were becoming more and more silvery grey rather than just a few strands. The grey beast was coming and I was holding him off with a steady colouring brush at the ready every month. You will not conquer me you fiend, I will keep bashing you away but we both knew what was going on, the stuff of children's nightmares (although children couldn’t give a moneys about such trivial adult issues – they have much more important things to do, like having fun and being happy).

So now for the juicy, lovey dovey bit, the part of this story that makes my heart go all warm and full. The route to my liberation, the bing of the light switch in my head. My silver haired knight, a man yes, a brave, true of heart man that put a mirror up to my vanity purely by being himself. Makes you want to puke right? Well it is true, the fairy tales, the miracle is true and it chokes me up to see it written in front of me. But the fairy tale is not the point of this blog and actually the silver knight was my hero only because he showed me how to have unconditional love for myself first and foremost. To see the wondrous woman in the mirror not because of my hair colour or make up but because of the magnificence in my eyes and heart. On my realisation that “how could I love this man's grey hair so much and not love my own”? How hypercritical that would be. And then on this I dropped to my knees in a blubbering butterfly heap (again) and wept as all the fear poured over me, fear of not getting a boyfriend or being judged to be unlovable but as soon as those thoughts came up I realised how ridiculous that is. I am supremely, magnificently grey just like the man I love. How wonderful this feeling was, liberation. And from that little thought I knew I would never cover up my true self again or deny my supreme grey (at least I would try not to – I can hear my mums words “never say never Jennifer”).

The days that followed the realisation

Within the following days I became excited at the prospect of this revealing of my true self and also how I would do it. Would I get it all dyed grey, would I cut it all off and have short grey hair for a while, would I let my daughter shave my head (the world was my oyster). But actually the process of watching my grey routes slowly, almost painfully emerge felt fitting. In a way it would be a journey of shedding my vanity and possibly punishing myself a bit by letting the weird looking roots be seen by the world. And let the constant flow of questions begin, which I would encourage and receive with gratitude of course (in the most part).

I work with around 80 people and I am fairly sociable and active within my community so the prospect of sharing this with everyone became tantalising. And already I was having very interesting conversations with people sharing their own opinions on me stopping the hiding of my supreme greyness. Which was fascinating, the difference in facial expressions, ranging from “how are you going to do it Jennifer”? As if it was a military process, to the gasps and “oo I don’t like the salt and pepper look myself”. Also I’d heard from men saying how it’s a similar experience for men when the beast of the reseeding hairline comes knocking at their door. For men it seems the grey beast is welcomed and highly acclaimed at times, by me it was anyway. But the battle of holding the grey beast away is experienced by the male of the species also of course. Hair dyes are available for all to use and colour their hair whatever shade of the rainbow they desire. I am done with all that now, I’m tired of being ashamed or thinking that it matters or that anyone really cares what I look like. No-one cares Jennifer, it’s only a reflection of ourselves that we see in others. Me talking about this process triggers many different reactions in people that I can see how the ageing process is such a hot topic for our society. Surely embracing this process is easier and more peaceful but we'll see.

Anyway I will blog maybe every week on this process. My roots are around 2 cms at the moment.  I would love to hear your thoughts and read your comments.